Navigating the Shift: Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents

Caring for aging parents is a journey filled with love, sacrifice, and sometimes, a whole lot of guilt. But let's face it, it’s not always easy to provide everything they need, and that guilt can creep in when we fall short. 

The Changing Dynamics

The transition from being cared for to becoming the caregiver can be tough for everyone involved. It’s crucial to discuss, set, and revisit boundaries with elderly parents to keep stress levels down. But, let's be real – this is easier said than done. Setting boundaries and communicating your needs can make you feel guilty, but it's necessary for your well-being. 

Here are some expert tips from Care.com to help you set boundaries with your aging parents, manage guilt, and carve out time for yourself. 

Communicate Needs and Expectations

Talking about care expectations can help set boundaries. Kim and Mike Barnes, founders of Parenting Aging Parents, say that discussing what duties the adult child will handle and what the parent will manage is crucial. For example, Mike’s dad controls his finances at 84, but Mike helps when there are online access issues.

Establish Routines

Whether you live nearby or with your aging parent, setting clear times for help and other priorities is key. Create a schedule with clear parameters. This could mean outings twice a week or a daily snack break. A physical calendar helps everyone know what’s expected. If your senior parent calls often, set a daily call time.

Reflect on Your Contributions

Guilt often comes from feeling like you’re not doing enough. Accepting that you do a lot can help the guilt melt away. Jill Johnson-Young, a licensed clinical social worker, suggests journaling to reduce guilt and see how much you’re really doing. Enjoying time with your parents during meals or activities can also help.

 Validate Feelings When Setting Boundaries

Some boundaries are non-negotiable for safety, while others protect your well-being. Try speaking in a calm, positive manner. For example, “I need help, so if you’re going to continue to live here, I need to bring in a nurse a few days a week.” Then, acknowledge their feelings: “I understand you are upset, but I have to take your car keys.” Validating their feelings while setting boundaries helps maintain safety and care.

 Allow Your Aging Parent to Feel Their Feelings

Understand that you’re not responsible for how your aging parent feels. Letting them process their emotions without taking responsibility for their pain leads to better outcomes.

 Seek Support

Caregiving comes with many emotional hurdles. She recommends working with a therapist to establish boundaries and preserve your mental and physical health. Using resources like an Aging Parents Coach or local community groups can also help avoid burnout.

Setting boundaries with aging parents is crucial for maintaining a healthy caregiver relationship. By communicating needs, establishing routines, reflecting on contributions, validating feelings, allowing emotional space, and seeking support, caregivers can manage guilt and ensure their well-being while providing the best care possible.